The Letter-Writing Column
Letter-Writing Etiquette: A Modern Guide to Old Manners
Good manners on paper are mostly about consideration. Here are the conventions worth keeping and the ones you can safely relax.
Etiquette has a stuffy reputation, but most of its rules exist for a sensible reason: to make the other person comfortable. That is especially true of personal letters, where your reader cannot see your face or hear your tone. A few conventions help your meaning arrive intact.
Greetings
"Dear" remains the standard opening for a personal letter, and it is warmer than its everyday use suggests. "Dear Margaret" is right for most correspondence. With someone you have not yet met — a correspondent you found through a personal notice, for instance — use whatever name they have given you, or simply the box number they have offered: "Dear Box 1087" is perfectly acceptable and has a certain charm. Save pet names until they are welcome.
Closings
Match the closing to the relationship. "Sincerely" is formal. "Warmly," "Kind regards" and "All the best" are friendly and safe. "Fondly" and "Affectionately" signal more warmth. "Love" and "Yours" are best kept for when both people are clearly there. When in doubt, mirror the closing your correspondent used, or one step more reserved.
Length
There is no correct length, but there is a considerate one. In an early correspondence, one page — roughly four hundred words — is generous without being overwhelming. A very long first letter can feel like pressure; a very short one can feel like indifference. As you get to know each other, let length follow the conversation. If your correspondent writes two paragraphs, sending six pages in return may unbalance things.
Answer the letter you received
The most important rule of correspondence is to respond to what was actually written. Pick up the questions they asked and the stories they told. Refer to details. Nothing signals care more clearly than "You mentioned your sister's garden — did the roses survive the frost?" Nothing signals its absence more clearly than a reply that could have been sent to anyone.
Balance answering with offering. Share something of your own so the other person has material for their reply, and end with a question or two to keep the conversation moving.
How quickly to reply
Within a week or two is a comfortable rhythm for personal letters. Replying the same day is lovely but not expected, and it can set a pace neither of you can keep up. If life gets in the way, a short note — "Busy fortnight, a proper letter is coming" — is far kinder than silence. If you go quiet for a long time, acknowledge it briefly and move on rather than apologizing at length.
What to leave out
- Private details, early on. Your home address, telephone number, workplace, surname and financial information do not belong in early letters to someone you have not met.
- Complaints about other correspondents or former partners. A little history is natural; a catalogue of grievances is not.
- Pressure. Demands for faster replies, photographs or meetings before your correspondent is ready.
- Anything you would not want read aloud. Letters are kept. Write as if yours might be.
- Requests for money. Under no circumstances, in either direction.
Tone on paper
Irony and teasing travel badly in writing. A remark that would be obviously affectionate in person can read as cutting on the page. Until you know each other's sense of humor, keep jokes gentle and aimed at yourself. If you are unsure how something will land, read it aloud in the flattest voice you can manage; that is roughly how a stranger might hear it.
Handwriting should be legible above all. If your penmanship is a trial, typing is not a breach of etiquette — clarity is the courtesy that matters. Sign your name by hand if you can.
Photographs and gifts
Do not send photographs that were not invited, and do not ask for them before trust is established. Small gifts — a pressed flower, a recipe card, a newspaper clipping — can be charming once a correspondence is well under way, but nothing that creates an obligation. Never accept or send expensive gifts to someone you have not met.
Ending a correspondence kindly
Not every correspondence will last, and that is fine. If you want to stop, write a brief, honest, gracious note: thank them for their letters, say that you do not think it is the right match, and wish them well. You do not owe a detailed explanation. If you receive such a note, the courteous response is a short acknowledgment or none at all — not an argument.
If someone makes you uncomfortable, frightened or pressured, you owe them nothing. Stop writing and report it to the service you used. See our Safety & Privacy page.
The spirit of the thing
Every rule above comes back to one idea: write the kind of letter you would be glad to receive. Be attentive, be honest, be patient and be kind. For more on what to actually say, read How to Write a Love Letter That Sounds Like You.
The Lonely Hearts Gazette™ is a proposed letter-based personals service and is not open yet. This column is general information, not legal, financial or professional advice.